Wednesday, December 2, 2009

unsent letter

Beewan,

Two days after that eventful night, I am still battling the urge to see you again. I know sooner or later, we will meet again. We are working in the same circle, after all. I am trying to be unaffected. I just wish my heart would stop bleeding.

Lately, I pick up the habit of putting earphones. I don't like earphones, it might hurt my ear drums. I just use my earphones during long travels or when jogging. But now, I'm using it to stop myself from thinking, to preoccupy my mind with music. Music heals the soul, as the saying goes. I hope so. But the irony is, you have been a good influence in my music choice lately. You have introduced me to the 80s music, rock music, to Rage Against the Machine, The Youth, Pearl Jam and Nirvana. Last night, I opened the radio and 21 Guns was played.You like that song. And as much as I wanted to stop myself, tears started to fall.*sigh*

I am still affected. You asked if I would just remain, not far, still a friend. Yes, the friendship will remain. I hope so. But I am taking a step backward. I did not mean to offend you. I just don't want my emotions taking over my rationality this time.

I was hurt. I felt like an easy prey, so naive thinking you would finally decide to move forward with me. I was thinking of only two reasons: (1) you do not have the strength to take whatever we have on the next level, to take responsibility of our feelings (2) you just don't want to move forward with me. Plain and simple. Reason 2 seems more rational Have I told you that you were my first heartbreak? Haha! Pathetic, I know.

Maybe that's why I could not handle this with grace. That could be a childish way to look at the circumstances. I don't know. I don't know what's your take. You are not telling me. I thought it would be easy for us to talk about these things. It isn't.

Maybe we met because of a certain purpose. Perhaps, I have been a good influence to you; that meeting you will test my will and maturity. I just hope I was able to share optimism with you.

Yes, sooner or later we'll meet again in person. If that time comes, I will be prepared and in control of my emotion.

Slowly.To recovery.


b2



1 comments:

lisa said...

i admire you for having the strength to write and post this. and hindi ka pathetic. ;)

 

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